They Say That In The Navy #1–Urine The Money

Hello everyone, I’m James Richards. You may have seen me from time to time mention my service in the United States Navy. Well, like most good sailors I have a story or a hundred from my four years as an active duty member of the United States Navy.

This website has generously given my the space and opportunity to share some of them with you. It’s good to take a break from the politics for a short while every now and again, take a deep breath and laugh a little.

This particular story begins in the USO room of O’Hare International Airport.

About a hundred or so of us are just sitting around waiting for the RDC’s to come about and pick us up, the whole time I keep hearing the word baby mama every five seconds. This wouldn’t have been strange to me, except it wasn’t coming from the same person. It seemed like every third guy in there had gotten a girl knocked up at one point or another.

After about an hour, the RDC’s come in and the Sergeant Hartman tribute band begins their show. We’re getting yelled at in every possible direction, in every possible manner to get on the bus waiting for us outside. We all get on, completely silent with our hands in our laps like we’re on a North Korean sightseeing tour.

We arrive at the basic training base and get taken into a very basic training looking building. The Gunny Hartman tribute band starts up and I have to admit, their set was much more convincing than the guys at the airport. I was actually trying to look through the brick wall like he had said. They put us through this Simon Says routine for a while and then tell us to go into a different room to make our phone calls home to let everyone know we made it there safely.

This is one of those here’s your stupid sign moments. I call home and my sister answers. I tell her I need to speak to mom immediately. Sister tells me mom isn’t home right now and that it would be nice if I could call back later. Sweet Christ girl, did you not get the memo on where I was going?

The evening’s entertainment continues on and we all get led into a big bathroom to take a drug test. All the urinals are line up on the four walls. We get given very explicit step by step instructions on what to do, which sort of confused me because I had been urinating without problems for at least two years by this point. After we all finish up, the RDC then tells us that if we have to finish going that we should aim our stream downward and piss on the floor. Nope, I know when a joke is being pulled on me. He then launches into the encore of his Gunny Hartman set and then goes out of the room to tell another guy how many people pissed the floor this time. Apparently it is a running bet to keep themselves entertained.

The next morning, they walked us two miles and shaved our heads. Which I thought was unfair, because I wasn’t one of the guys who pissed on the floor. That concludes this first edition of They Say That In The Navy. Let me know in the comments section if you like what you read and I’ll keep putting these out as new stories come to mind.